Tag: self improvement

Mirror, Mirror: Living with Anxiety, Depression, and Warped Reflections

Mirror, Mirror: Living with Anxiety, Depression, and Warped Reflections

What does it feel like to function with anxiety and depression?

IT FEELS LIKE:

  • Walking around with sandbags on my shoulders in a steady state of weariness.
  • Negative trains of thought that never seem to arrive at a station.
  • A constant battle between hope and hopelessness.
  • Self-loathing because logic doesn’t align with my internal register.
  • Visions of giving up colliding with dreams of getting help.
  • Wishing I could disappear and wanting to be seen.
  • Knowing there are others who understand and being utterly alone.
  • Wanting to quiet the noise in my mind and fearing the silence.

I am trapped in my air pocket with a desperate desire to pop the bubble and force my hand: let the water wash it away or fight to reach the surface.

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Reach the Beach: Perspective From My Air Pocket

Reach the Beach: Perspective From My Air Pocket

I woke later than usual due to a round with physical pain in the early morning hours. Since childhood, I have experienced random waves of excruciating cramps lasting anywhere from five minutes to an hour. While it was likely not my first experience, in my first memory of the pain I am lying in the hospital, too young to describe what I felt. To date, there is no official medical diagnosis. These spells attack, seemingly from nowhere, and leave me completely exhausted.

The physical pain is gone. Nonetheless, I am wiped. When pain arrives in tandem with a depressive bout the coming hours are challenging, such is my story today.

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Dueling Letters: To My Anxiety and Depression/Dear Silent Warriors

Dueling Letters: To My Anxiety and Depression/Dear Silent Warriors

To My Anxiety and Depression,

I acknowledge you and all of your dreadful wares. From physical exhaustion to mental fatigue, you make me feel weak and powerless. Thanks to you, I question my every decision. The resulting guilt ravages my brain until I believe I have failed, at life, entirely.

Living with you keeps me in a constant state of fight or flight. Sometimes, my mind spins until I am dizzy. Other times, my tears threaten to drown me. Then comes the rage from utter self-loathing that makes me want to rip at my own skin. I am exhausted, but I can’t sleep. When I finally put head to pillow, rest is a mirage teasing me from afar.

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Mental-morphosis: Courage By Way of a Pixie Cut

Mental-morphosis: Courage By Way of a Pixie Cut

“It’s just hair,” my wife insisted. She couldn’t understand why I was paralyzed with indecision when the cut was something I clearly wanted. But it wasn’t just hair; it was a landmark decision. It called upon my past, put me on the stand, and highlighted many trials where I settled instead of taking risks. This decision was tied up in years of caring too much about the opinion of others. What’s worse, it stoked my anxiety and depression. After decades of self-loathing, I worried that, if this went wrong, I could find another level of hatred for my reflection.

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